blogspot?

It's weird to be at blogspot after being a livejournal user for say....6 years? I just got really sick of the ads over at livejournal. I think I say the same thing over and over again about wanting to keep a better and more detailed journal. I've read back at my old journals: 2005, then the original journal i started way back when. then my "college journal".

oh wait. ONE MORE!

4 years ago, I always thought it was genius to create multiple journals. I always have a weird feeling when I go back and read through my journals, especially when it comes to the ridiculously VAGUE things I write about. I always held back in my journals until later in college where I just spilled everything out because well...it's MY JOURNAL!

In my old journals there were always reoccuring themes. I constantly wrote about the displeasure I felt from the home environment I lived in. Well 4 years later, I still feel the same way. I feel the same way, but for much different reasons. Back then my home environment was a burden on me because of the actions of my Father. It was hard to face the consequences of his actions. Now, I have to face the frustrations of the decisions my Mother has been making. And throughout college, with the death of my Father, the relationship between my Mother and I has changed. We are still Mother and daughter, but at the same time, I am no longer a child, our relationship has moved onto a level where the "maternal" role has taken a backseat and we have a more adult relationship. Unfortunately, at times, since my Father's death, my Mother has changed and this has also caused a reversal in the relationship. There have been instances, where I feel like I am the Mother and she is the child. Especially with the romantic decisions my Mother has made. It is no surprise to anyone close to me that the thought of my Mother's "boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/friend..etc" frustrates me BEYOND belief. It repulses me that a human being could do such things that he has done. I mean I completely understand WHY someone would act so profanely vulgar and manipulative. But, I cannot understand WHAT sort of human being would actually act so poorly. Maybe I am young and naive, but I think 20 years from now I will still stand by how much negativity I feel towards my Mother's boyfriend. This eats a good portion of my life. I live with it, literally. I don't know if I can rehash everything, I think I've rehashed enough of it in my previous journals. It's just so shocking how someone could behave like that. He and my Mom have broken up "romantically", but it still is ridiculous how my Mom could still remain "friends" with someone like that. I understand in her eyes that she may be "using" him for the company while she is on vacation from work, in that it helps for her to have someone to go to the market with, to go eat, etc. The part that gets me the MOST is that how could my Mom not be completely repulsed by this sort of person who clearly betrayed and used her? How could she keep the person in her life because this leaves them with the possibility of manipulating and using her again? I mean he did decide to "move out" of our home for the other woman multiple times and then decide that it was more financially and personally conveninent to stay in my house. My mom has tried to explain to me that she needs this sort of interaction and that this is how it is culturally. It is okay for a man to have "two wives", one to basically fuck around with and one to have be the "big wife" the boss in a sense. So this is a matter of culture, but at the same time it breaks me into pieces seeing my mom think this sort of behavior from a man is appropriate because of who she is. She doesn't think she's good enough to demand more from a relationship and to expect more from people. I got this impression when I asked her mom if the situation were reversed and if I were with someone like this. She clearly answered, it's different you have so much more going for you, I'm just an old woman without much to offer, insert more self-depricating comments. It hurts me to see my Mom put up with this and think that it should be the way things are.

At the same time, maybe my Mom is the sort of "saintly-forgiving" type. Maybe she sees the good in this person. She can forgive and forget, but how could someone forget the things this person did to her so quickly? It's almost too ridiculous. She chooses to remain friends with this guy because at the end of the day she needs a male figure in her life. She needs to have him be her "security" in ways that I can't seem to provide for her and ways that she can't stand on her own. I know my Mom is a very strong woman and she has carried every burden that came on our family when my dad was alive. She's not only strong, but hardworking. She can endure working endless hours and making countless sacrifices in order to do what she thinks is best for the family. She doesn't need to think that this sort of bullshit is okay.

Today, I cried at work. I tried to not make a scene, but I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know I just burst. I really did. This whole situation has frustrated me for MONTHS. literally MONTHS. I have been so stressed about this for a long time. it's eaten away at me. frustrated me. My mom has changed in the way she treats me because she puts HIM before me and DENIES IT in multiple instances. I always feel like I am at the breaking point. I feel like I'm a bad daughter in that I can't be happy for my Mom finally meeting someone that allegedly makes her happy. Who am I to rain down on my Mom's "happiness". Oh wait...this is not real happiness. is it? I finally gave up on trying to talk to her about how horrid this man is and yet she still tries to force some sort of contact between me and him. She is not happy with the fact that I am not over estastic and friendly to this guy. Polite and Short is all I can be. Anything else more, I'll rip this man a new one verbally and literally. I'm trying my best and being forced to interact with someone I have NO RESPECT FOR. I tell her that constantly. It also drives me crazy that this is all my Mom talks about. This is all that matters to her. This is like 90% of her life. all our conversations are centered around this. I humor her and listen to her because I want to support her and know what's going on to make sure she's not signing over our house to him. I'm literally at my wit's ends about this ALL THE TIME. it eats up MY LIFE TOO. i cried at work because my Mom had the nerve to ask me, "why do you hate him so much, tell me." i've told her constantly like at least 5 times. very clearly and succinctly. WHY. I lay it ALL OUT. point after point after point. with clear examples. it hurts because asking that sort of question just basically impiles that she has NOT been listening to anything I've been telling her. ANYTHING that has been hurting me. ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS. she asked me in such a way that I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with this man.

It's upsetting. beyond upsetting. The best solution for me is to allow my Mom to live her life and make her own poor decisions. Fine. YES. I let her, but I refuse to continue to be dragged into her mess. I want to support her, but at the same time it is NOT fair for me to have to put on a pretty show and let this guy believe that his behavior is ACCEPTABLE. If I am nice to him, I am reinforcing his BAD behavior. I am reinforcing that it is okay to sleep with another woman while you are living in another woman's house and pursuing a relationship with her. I refuse to reinforce someone walking in and out of my Mom's life depending on how his relationship is with the other whore. He's only around when things are bad with his whore, who allegedly threatened committing suicide. He leaves when he wants to fuck the other woman and "comfort" her suicidal tendencies.

this has been going on for one year now. I don't know how much more I can take.