What's changed?

It's been six years since I've written in this little blog of mine. Public reflection via a blog was really cool back then, but now as an adult self-reflection is golden and part of growing up.

I bring myself back to blogspot because my boyfriend suggested that I reflect upon my weight loss. I think it's a marvelous idea to document it here because I feel like I've reached a milestone point in my life and from a practical standpoint writing in blogspot tied to my gmail account will ensure I find this someday. The livejournals of the 2000s area already long lost and my tumblr locks away some of my darkest times.

Today, I write about a happy thing.  I lost 26 pounds which is 14.3%!  Here are the things I've realized and never took a moment to write about.

1. About the past: I spent the entirely of my adolescent, teen, and young-adult overweight. It doesn't mean that the rest of my life will fall in suit. I am not a self-fulfilling prophecy, who I was does not dictate who I will be. I will control the rest of my life.

2. About food: Growing up, I ate my feelings quite frequently when there were sad moments, celebratory moments, and moments of boredom. My life revolved around food and at one point, eating was a hobby, aka being a foodie. Food is just associated with so many memories in my life.  I've had to break positive and negative associations with food. I eat because I'm hungry and because i feel a hunger pain, not because it will solve problems.

I think I placed a high value on food because I grew up poor and we didn't have much in terms of access to the "best" food. So once I went to college and began making an income, my access to food felt like a marker of "success." I felt successful in life that I could have access to delicious dorm food or buy the things I wanted on my own, but then I got in over my head.

Now I realize the less food I have in my fridge the better I feel. I don't strive to stock my pantry full with too much and I want to just buy enough for what I need to eat. I eat when I'm hungry and fill up the gas tank. I work on breaking the cycle and breaking my old habits.

3. About the journey: I'm not embarrassed about my weight anymore. I'm proud of where I've gotten today, and this journey didn't really begin 4 months ago. This is probably the 4th time I've lost weight in my life (poor skin stretching in and out).  In retrospect, everything that I did up to this point wasn't sustainable and chased a temporary fix.

• I lost weight when I was younger (aged 14/15) at Los Cab Club over the summer one year doing cardio, weight machines, and swimming. The sad truth is that I eventually fell in love with the smoothie bar at the gym and saved all my money to buy smoothies. I didn't change how I ate, but this was the first and only time I saw muscles in my legs. 
• I lost weight when I was 19/20 before my junior year in college. My mom fed me Chinese diet pills that caused major  gross diarrhea / gas  and I ate literally nothing but dinner because it was an appetite suppressant. I did cardio every night on top of working a full time job. I felt great, probably down to 140 pounds I'm thinking, but eventually this life wasn't sustainable and those diet pills made me feel like crap.
• I lost weight through a 20 pound weight loss challenge in Sacramento when I realized I had loss control at 179 pounds. It started on 3/18/2015, when I was 27. I lost 15 pounds and later 5 more pounds after the challenge. I felt like a million bucks after. I worked out 5 days a week at bootcamp and ate "clean" on a low carb, low fat, high on chicken breast type of diet. Eventually my attendance at bootcamp decreased from 5-6 days to 2-3 days and there were times I didn't go for weeks. I thought to myself I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I "attended" boot camp, obviously this was a skewed balance. I found this weight again.
• Now I'm here, 26 pounds down from my all time high of 182.  I feel tremendously better about myself because I'm making better decisions for the right reason, which is to live a healthy life. The gym doesn't scare me, exercise is fulfilling, and I've come to understand the trade offs you make in life to be able to live it.  A lack of activity and bad food is a recipe for disaster and an unfulfilled life. A healthier and stronger me can do more and live a better life. 

4. About me:

• I don't feel self-conscious at the store shopping for clothes or asking for help from sales people about getting different sizes. I remember in July when shopping for a dress to a wedding I just wanted the girl at free people to go away and not get me more sizes because I'd have to tell her I needed a large or that the dress looked ugly because of my body.
• I respect myself more because of how hard I've had to work to get here and how many times I've fallen and gotten up.  I love myself more and feel that I've been working on an upgrade the last 4 months. #strongerversion 

Dude. School is a lot more difficult that I'd like it to be right now....I don't exactly get what is wrong with me. I'm trying to study better. Trying to make more use of my time studying. Trying to not zone out or day dream or let my mind linger when I study. Trying to focus more. Trying to learn and be a better student overall. And now, I don't know. I pay attention more in class. I don't zone out as much unless if the class is completely ridiculous.

Geezus. I just got a C on a test that I've worked really hard on. In a class that I've stayed on top of all quarter. A class that I haven't ditched, that I've worked religiously on. I guess somewhere in there, the learning didn't happen. Or I'm not smart enough. I don't like blaming it on not being smart enough maybe not being smart enough to approach it correctly. But when will I get this school thing right? I feel like I've worked harder this quarter so far, and then to only get the same grades as I did last quarter, when I slacked off so much more. Working hard in all the wrong ways? Maybe not working hard in the right ways. Study smarter right? I tried to get help, but I need to get better at reviewing and at creating discipline for myself.

I have everything that I could in my life. My mom is supporting and loving. She doesn't bring emotional problems into my life. I'll always have issues about my Dad. I have good friends. I have fun, probably too much fun. I'm still struggling to lose weight. I want to be both healthy AND attractive.

So what have I learned at the end of this rant. I need to work harder. I didnt think I can work harder, but I guess it has to be possible right? I did find a lot of time slacking off...even though I tried to be consistent. I guess it wasn't consistent enough :( There are 4 weeks left int he quarter along with a week of finals, then i get to go to work. Then I get to spend a summer here in San Francisco.

Do or Die?

What do I value? What do I want out of life? What matters to me as a person?

I have this thing....this niche I've built up. This great and amazing world I've built up. I think I've gotten complacent....I've taken forgranted everything I have. I got nearly everything materialistic that I could have dreamed or wanted. Yet I'm slightly jaded by it because I feel like my materialistic needs aren't too out of control and that I've earned it. I feel like these things have become my right....yet something inside me knows this mentality is wrong. I dont know for some reason I don't feel happy being happy. I feel uneasy that I'm so happy I go to an amazing school, have amazing support from my family and friends and am making new friends. I'm hedging into a world I've always wanted to be apart, socially and professionally yet something is wrong..I can't put my finger on it. but something doesn't feel right.

Last night in Orange County until March. Right now I'm feeling torn between where I'll spend my summer. Should I stay in SF? Should I go home? Really....where I'll be is dictated by where I'll find my job.

This year. I feel like I have so much more in terms of material items. I bought my own prada bag. I bought my mom a treadmill. I buy my friends more expensive presents because I can. I can eat out without worrying about money. I tip better. I have a lot of the things I didn't used to have. Car, nice cell phone, macbook, ipod. All the things I longed for. They make life easier, but they don't define my life. I'm still struggling with the hatred for my Dad's family. I still feel the resentment. I still feel jaded and hurt. I still feel the fire in my veins, which means maybe a part of me cares about my wretched family. or maybe a large part of me just wants to belong. A large part of me wants to have a normal family that eats dinner on thanksgiving. that call each other. that text message. send emails. go to recitals. come over for dinner. love each other.

Back on blogspot. Back on blogging. Why? For now, I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm feeling pensive. I'm feeling like the end of the year is the perfect (cliche) time of the year to write something meaningful.

So here I am again....instead of counting down to the new year...I'm sitting here in front of my computer. In previous years I would have been asleep already. Or I would be watching others ring in the new year as I jealously hoped that one day I would be one of them. So then I gave up and decided to always sleep early on New Year's.

What did 2010 bring? 2010 was a whirlwind. I feel like I blinked and then the year was over. Actually everything since I graduated from USC in 2009 felt like it happened in a blink of an eye.

I think the most valuable thing that I've learned to do is be honest with myself. I I think a lot of my life naturally fell into place once I began to be honest with myself. I built a better relationship with myself by being honest and not pretending to myself. I showed myself the cold reality of my life and I also celebrated how great my life is without having to pretend to be modest about my accomplishments. No living up to appropriate social norms in my head...maybe in the world...but I didn't censor my feelings to myself or rather "lie" and tell myself what i wanted to be.

blogspot?

It's weird to be at blogspot after being a livejournal user for say....6 years? I just got really sick of the ads over at livejournal. I think I say the same thing over and over again about wanting to keep a better and more detailed journal. I've read back at my old journals: 2005, then the original journal i started way back when. then my "college journal".

oh wait. ONE MORE!

4 years ago, I always thought it was genius to create multiple journals. I always have a weird feeling when I go back and read through my journals, especially when it comes to the ridiculously VAGUE things I write about. I always held back in my journals until later in college where I just spilled everything out because well...it's MY JOURNAL!

In my old journals there were always reoccuring themes. I constantly wrote about the displeasure I felt from the home environment I lived in. Well 4 years later, I still feel the same way. I feel the same way, but for much different reasons. Back then my home environment was a burden on me because of the actions of my Father. It was hard to face the consequences of his actions. Now, I have to face the frustrations of the decisions my Mother has been making. And throughout college, with the death of my Father, the relationship between my Mother and I has changed. We are still Mother and daughter, but at the same time, I am no longer a child, our relationship has moved onto a level where the "maternal" role has taken a backseat and we have a more adult relationship. Unfortunately, at times, since my Father's death, my Mother has changed and this has also caused a reversal in the relationship. There have been instances, where I feel like I am the Mother and she is the child. Especially with the romantic decisions my Mother has made. It is no surprise to anyone close to me that the thought of my Mother's "boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/friend..etc" frustrates me BEYOND belief. It repulses me that a human being could do such things that he has done. I mean I completely understand WHY someone would act so profanely vulgar and manipulative. But, I cannot understand WHAT sort of human being would actually act so poorly. Maybe I am young and naive, but I think 20 years from now I will still stand by how much negativity I feel towards my Mother's boyfriend. This eats a good portion of my life. I live with it, literally. I don't know if I can rehash everything, I think I've rehashed enough of it in my previous journals. It's just so shocking how someone could behave like that. He and my Mom have broken up "romantically", but it still is ridiculous how my Mom could still remain "friends" with someone like that. I understand in her eyes that she may be "using" him for the company while she is on vacation from work, in that it helps for her to have someone to go to the market with, to go eat, etc. The part that gets me the MOST is that how could my Mom not be completely repulsed by this sort of person who clearly betrayed and used her? How could she keep the person in her life because this leaves them with the possibility of manipulating and using her again? I mean he did decide to "move out" of our home for the other woman multiple times and then decide that it was more financially and personally conveninent to stay in my house. My mom has tried to explain to me that she needs this sort of interaction and that this is how it is culturally. It is okay for a man to have "two wives", one to basically fuck around with and one to have be the "big wife" the boss in a sense. So this is a matter of culture, but at the same time it breaks me into pieces seeing my mom think this sort of behavior from a man is appropriate because of who she is. She doesn't think she's good enough to demand more from a relationship and to expect more from people. I got this impression when I asked her mom if the situation were reversed and if I were with someone like this. She clearly answered, it's different you have so much more going for you, I'm just an old woman without much to offer, insert more self-depricating comments. It hurts me to see my Mom put up with this and think that it should be the way things are.

At the same time, maybe my Mom is the sort of "saintly-forgiving" type. Maybe she sees the good in this person. She can forgive and forget, but how could someone forget the things this person did to her so quickly? It's almost too ridiculous. She chooses to remain friends with this guy because at the end of the day she needs a male figure in her life. She needs to have him be her "security" in ways that I can't seem to provide for her and ways that she can't stand on her own. I know my Mom is a very strong woman and she has carried every burden that came on our family when my dad was alive. She's not only strong, but hardworking. She can endure working endless hours and making countless sacrifices in order to do what she thinks is best for the family. She doesn't need to think that this sort of bullshit is okay.

Today, I cried at work. I tried to not make a scene, but I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know I just burst. I really did. This whole situation has frustrated me for MONTHS. literally MONTHS. I have been so stressed about this for a long time. it's eaten away at me. frustrated me. My mom has changed in the way she treats me because she puts HIM before me and DENIES IT in multiple instances. I always feel like I am at the breaking point. I feel like I'm a bad daughter in that I can't be happy for my Mom finally meeting someone that allegedly makes her happy. Who am I to rain down on my Mom's "happiness". Oh wait...this is not real happiness. is it? I finally gave up on trying to talk to her about how horrid this man is and yet she still tries to force some sort of contact between me and him. She is not happy with the fact that I am not over estastic and friendly to this guy. Polite and Short is all I can be. Anything else more, I'll rip this man a new one verbally and literally. I'm trying my best and being forced to interact with someone I have NO RESPECT FOR. I tell her that constantly. It also drives me crazy that this is all my Mom talks about. This is all that matters to her. This is like 90% of her life. all our conversations are centered around this. I humor her and listen to her because I want to support her and know what's going on to make sure she's not signing over our house to him. I'm literally at my wit's ends about this ALL THE TIME. it eats up MY LIFE TOO. i cried at work because my Mom had the nerve to ask me, "why do you hate him so much, tell me." i've told her constantly like at least 5 times. very clearly and succinctly. WHY. I lay it ALL OUT. point after point after point. with clear examples. it hurts because asking that sort of question just basically impiles that she has NOT been listening to anything I've been telling her. ANYTHING that has been hurting me. ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS. she asked me in such a way that I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with this man.

It's upsetting. beyond upsetting. The best solution for me is to allow my Mom to live her life and make her own poor decisions. Fine. YES. I let her, but I refuse to continue to be dragged into her mess. I want to support her, but at the same time it is NOT fair for me to have to put on a pretty show and let this guy believe that his behavior is ACCEPTABLE. If I am nice to him, I am reinforcing his BAD behavior. I am reinforcing that it is okay to sleep with another woman while you are living in another woman's house and pursuing a relationship with her. I refuse to reinforce someone walking in and out of my Mom's life depending on how his relationship is with the other whore. He's only around when things are bad with his whore, who allegedly threatened committing suicide. He leaves when he wants to fuck the other woman and "comfort" her suicidal tendencies.

this has been going on for one year now. I don't know how much more I can take.