Dude. School is a lot more difficult that I'd like it to be right now....I don't exactly get what is wrong with me. I'm trying to study better. Trying to make more use of my time studying. Trying to not zone out or day dream or let my mind linger when I study. Trying to focus more. Trying to learn and be a better student overall. And now, I don't know. I pay attention more in class. I don't zone out as much unless if the class is completely ridiculous.

Geezus. I just got a C on a test that I've worked really hard on. In a class that I've stayed on top of all quarter. A class that I haven't ditched, that I've worked religiously on. I guess somewhere in there, the learning didn't happen. Or I'm not smart enough. I don't like blaming it on not being smart enough maybe not being smart enough to approach it correctly. But when will I get this school thing right? I feel like I've worked harder this quarter so far, and then to only get the same grades as I did last quarter, when I slacked off so much more. Working hard in all the wrong ways? Maybe not working hard in the right ways. Study smarter right? I tried to get help, but I need to get better at reviewing and at creating discipline for myself.

I have everything that I could in my life. My mom is supporting and loving. She doesn't bring emotional problems into my life. I'll always have issues about my Dad. I have good friends. I have fun, probably too much fun. I'm still struggling to lose weight. I want to be both healthy AND attractive.

So what have I learned at the end of this rant. I need to work harder. I didnt think I can work harder, but I guess it has to be possible right? I did find a lot of time slacking off...even though I tried to be consistent. I guess it wasn't consistent enough :( There are 4 weeks left int he quarter along with a week of finals, then i get to go to work. Then I get to spend a summer here in San Francisco.

Do or Die?

What do I value? What do I want out of life? What matters to me as a person?

I have this thing....this niche I've built up. This great and amazing world I've built up. I think I've gotten complacent....I've taken forgranted everything I have. I got nearly everything materialistic that I could have dreamed or wanted. Yet I'm slightly jaded by it because I feel like my materialistic needs aren't too out of control and that I've earned it. I feel like these things have become my right....yet something inside me knows this mentality is wrong. I dont know for some reason I don't feel happy being happy. I feel uneasy that I'm so happy I go to an amazing school, have amazing support from my family and friends and am making new friends. I'm hedging into a world I've always wanted to be apart, socially and professionally yet something is wrong..I can't put my finger on it. but something doesn't feel right.

Last night in Orange County until March. Right now I'm feeling torn between where I'll spend my summer. Should I stay in SF? Should I go home? Really....where I'll be is dictated by where I'll find my job.

This year. I feel like I have so much more in terms of material items. I bought my own prada bag. I bought my mom a treadmill. I buy my friends more expensive presents because I can. I can eat out without worrying about money. I tip better. I have a lot of the things I didn't used to have. Car, nice cell phone, macbook, ipod. All the things I longed for. They make life easier, but they don't define my life. I'm still struggling with the hatred for my Dad's family. I still feel the resentment. I still feel jaded and hurt. I still feel the fire in my veins, which means maybe a part of me cares about my wretched family. or maybe a large part of me just wants to belong. A large part of me wants to have a normal family that eats dinner on thanksgiving. that call each other. that text message. send emails. go to recitals. come over for dinner. love each other.